Tears fell at yoga….

Today was my third hot yoga class. I have been going at 6am, making it part of my day as I have done with my group personal training. Today’s class at Moksha Yoga was a Flow class. It was definitely more challenging than the first two classes I had taken. It was challenging and something I see myself doing again.

Rosanna, the instructor, was encouraging and soothing. Offering alternatives and providing an atmosphere that I felt capable of pushing myself and also the ability to step back and breath. (the room is freaking HOT!)

I have tried yoga before and find that hot yoga helps me to stop with the multi-tasking thoughts. I feel I need to focus on my breathing in the heat and I notice my body more. I feel the sweat trickling down my shoulders, dripping off my arms and taste the saltiness of it. I am more aware of my body than my mind – its quite peaceful and empowering at the same time.

At the end of the practice, she read a quote about gratitude and I felt tears. Each night I give thanks to life for 3 things. I know that being grateful for life and with all its celebrations and trials opens me to the possibilities, allows me to experience more. But this morning, my gratitude fell in tears. As I laid there sweaty and breathing – I focused on her words and the gratitude came out of me. I felt, not thought. I sent love and thanks to a friend dying of cancer, thankful for his friendship and the life he has lead. I sent love and gratitude to my family, grateful for their love, support and challenges. I felt gratitude to all the trials I had faced and failed – knowing they have taught me something. I felt gratitude for my body – for the strength, the hysterectomy I had a year ago and the breath as it filled me. I feel the tears even now, almost 2 hours later…I breath deeply, I focus on my life and let one more tear fall.

Good or bad – I got it done.

So I had my first “bad” run yesterday. I went with the intent to do a minimum of 5km. I was ready, dressed for the windchill and colder temps. I started out and felt winded and heavy but this seems to be my normal. The first 15 minutes I struggle then find my pace and my breathing is easier and I go. No such luck yesterday.

I had also switched over to using an iPod instead of my iPhone (no phone calls in the middle of my run). I loaded Runkeeper to track my run, got my music set and plugged in. Music was good. In fact, the first song was Melissa Ethbridge, “I Run For Life”. Awesome song to start the run with. It’s a motivational and inspirational song about running for the cure. If you haven’t heard it, look it up on YouTube and just enjoy it. Runkeeper however was not working correctly. I know my route and how far I have fun on the route. I normally hit the 5 minute mark and my distance is 0.62km. Yesterday I was at .9km. I have improved, but the chances of hitting that yesterday was slim to none. (and I was at the spot in my run that has always been just over .6km…yesterday it was somehow .9km). This threw me off. My pace according to Runkeeper was amazing, but in reality it was no such thing. I opted to ignore the distance and pace alerts and keep running. At the 15 minute mark I was suffering with a ‘stitch’ in my side. I walked for a minute, breathing deeply, and then back to running. No change. I ended up running 28 minutes. This distance probably 3km – not the 6km Runkeeper was awarding me with. Yeah it was a bad run, but it was a run. It was still better than sitting on the couch.

Life is short.

The reality of life is that we are all dying.  Yup, I said what we all know but most of us refuse to acknowledge or think about.

We all have an expiry date.  I will die at some point, and so will my family and friends.  It’s always good to keep this in mind as we live life.  When we are young, we are planning and waiting for our life to begin.  We make assumptions and take things for granted along the way, until life slaps you along side the head with the reminder that it doesn’t last forever and best laid plans are often thwarted.

Too many people I know are facing hard times.  Friends have cancer with no medical hope. Family members are sick and are facing lifestyle changing issues.  It’s in those moments when I am sharply reminded of the uncertainty of time.

I don’t want to regret a moment of my life.  I want to live right now, not in 5 1/2 years when Sean retires.  I want to laugh and enjoy the simple moments, not just the monumental moments.  Each day I cherish waking up with Sean, knowing that over the past 3 and 1/2 years I have lived my life fully, more so than I have ever lived them.  Each day I know that there is work to be done, responsibilities to meet and relationships to maintain.  Each day I plan to do more things I want to do than I have to do.  I am lucky, being my own boss means I pretty much like what I do and who I work with.  I no longer get up dreading what my day brings.

Life is meant to be lived, not planned, not waited on and most certainly not taken for granted.  It’s so easy to get caught up in the everyday details, the tasks that need to be ticked off the list that we over look the smile on a childs face when they see us, the moment to hug a loved one and the chance to stop and marvel at the (still falling) snowflakes.  Each night I challenge myself to thank life for three things.  It’s my pause in a busy day, a moment to reflect on what made me smile…and hopefully reminds me that life is about living the everyday moments.

Passions…notice plural!

I am a busy woman.

I have my own business that requires me to manage my time so I can help business owners manage their business.  I am a bookkeeper extraordinaire (that’s what I have on my business card!) and I am proud of my abilities and what I can do.  I will gladly acknowledge that what makes me so extraordinaire is the training I had working for a local chartered accountant.  My boss, Kim, was tough and fair.  Our office worked hard for our clients and went above and beyond for them to do our job.  Now I won’t get into details – but I will tell you that I have had my eyes opened as to what other accountant offices do, and its not nearly as much as what we did at KD Wray Professional Corporation.  This experience is the reason I am the extraordinaire part of my title – I know how important everything is and how understanding that makes it easier at the end of the year.  Very grateful for the knowledge and experience I gathered…and the ability to manage my time, deal with clients and have a life.  Kim is an amazing woman with many passions, a successful practice and family…and I am following the example she set as I work on my business.

Next passion – being fit!  Running is my latest adventure and I am thoroughly enjoying every moment of it.  I have been enjoying group personal training at Quench since September 2012.  Before that I was an active member attending classes and feeling good.  The group personal training though allows me to focus on form with the help of James. He is a rock star when it comes to this.  We have approximately 2 – 6 women per session and we are all at different fitness levels with a variety of issues.  James gives us options to help maximize our work out without risking injuries and taking into account any injuries we currently have.  Each session I am challenged, I sweat and I appreciate his feedback and tweaks to help me be stronger.  I know without a doubt – I would not be seeing the success I have had with my running that I have had without the groundwork I laid by starting with James.  The combination of the group personal training and running have me feeling better than I have ever felt. (I am hoping to add yoga to my fitness routine this month – curious how this will fit in and the benefits it will provide!!) Its wonderful to be 40 and feel the strength of my body, to admire my hard work and celebrate the new milestones.

Volunteering

I have found time to give back – and it continues to energize me.

Alliston Relay For Life was my first big commitment   I have been on the steering committee for a few years now and this year took a new role.  I am the Team Recruitment Chair.  I am helping to create the excitement for our teams, the participants, to get them signed up and pumped to collect donations.  Every week I send out an email to past and current team captains in hopes to remind them of the wonderful time to be had as we work to raise money in the fight against cancer.  My family is like too many others – cancer has robbed us of a grandfather and met my mom in the boxing ring (but she won, she’s a survivor).  My mom is the reason I volunteer, I know how guilty (imagine that) she felt for ‘getting’ cancer and therefore increasing my chances because she had breast cancer.  She was quickly diagnosed and under the knife for a mastectomy.  She healed well and has been cancer free since 1999.  I am grateful to have made some incredible friends on the steering committee, and know that we do everything we can because we are passionate in our desire to find a cure.

I also volunteer as treasurer for My Sister’s Place a women and children shelters, and The Good Shepherd Food Bank.  Both organizations have a huge responsibility and I am fortunate to be able to offer my knowledge as a bookkeeper to make things easier.  I am also excited to be able to manage the Facebook page for both organizations.  No woman should feel alone and helpless and the shelter has been a safe place for too many women…while I wish this need didn’t exist I am glad to be a part of it.  The food bank has been around for a long time as well – helping families and individuals make ends meet in tough times.

Yes I am busy because on top of all of that I have a family and relationships.  Sometimes I get run down and want nothing more than to stay home and read, watch tv or sleep…but being at one meeting or getting myself up for a work out always energizes and I never regret either.  It adds to my life, allows me to give back to me and then share it with my community and family.  

Celebrating!

There is alot of celebrating going on in my home.

First off – I am engaged!!  Saturday evening as we were getting ready to go out, my wonderful man proposed.  I said yes – then sobbed.  We have been together for 4 years.  We have each been widowed, me at the age of 22 and him at the age of 40.  We both have kids that we have to raise from those relationships, obviously at much different ages.  Neither situation is easy – but we have found one another.  He is my soul mate (I know that sounds corny but its true).  We have open discussions sharing our opinions and wants without fear that the other one will be hurt or misunderstand.  If we misunderstand, we ask questions so we can understand.  This relationship is not one I could have had in my 20’s – but man it rocks in my 40’s!  

Celebration 2 – I have a new personal record.  Tuesday afternoon I ran 9.6km.  That is the longest distance I have run.  Tuesday was a gorgeous afternoon with temps hovering around freezing and glorious sunshine.  I spent the day at a clients and kept looking outside thinking ‘what a great day to run’.  So when I got home – a run was what I did.  My intent when I started was not to do that much, my intent was just to run a little, breath fresh air and enjoy.  Well I enjoyed it all right – all the way to reaching a new distance.

I am doing a 10km run June 16th – it is step one to my goal of running a half marathon.  The 10km run doesn’t scare me so much now, I am so close to it.  Now to reach some serious double digits.

New personal record!

On Tuesday after seeing the gorgeous day from the window at a clients – I knew I had to get out for a run.  Even a short one is better than no run at all.  When I got home I knew I had to do it immediately, sitting down would be the end of my motivation to run and I didn’t want to chance it.

It was a gorgeous evening, dusk was approaching, it was already after 5:00 pm and there was still light.  The temps hovered around freezing making it perfect to run for me.  I enjoyed running on the side of the road as opposed to the sidewalk to keep my feet a little drier – and it was awesome.  My pace picked up and I was able to run 5km in 37 minutes – which is easily 3 minutes faster than all previous 5k runs!  I was happy dancing in the driveway when I realized it.  

I have been running for 2 months now – well seriously running – as in running outside 2 to 3 times a week.  Previously running was done on the treadmill and based solely on the time I wanted to put in.  Running outside is based on how I feel and working towards a distance – it has changed how I see running.  I have logged my longest run of 8km – and that wasn’t my goal when I started out.  I have found that when the snow is falling, those big juicy snowflakes that catch on your eyelashes…they are asking me out to run.  Those snowflakes, the solitude and my music help me find strength and peace.  My mind stops racing and I enjoy the feel of my legs under me, the snow on my face and the moment I am in.  I love being out and smiling at those out with their dogs, nodding to other runners and getting fresh air – running outside has changed my thoughts on running and my belief at what I am capable of. 

I was watching the Biggest Loser and was struck by something said during the show.  ‘We all have an expiry date.’  It’s true, we do.  I have an expiry date, I know I won’t live forever, but I also will not live in fear of my expiry date.  Living a healthy lifestyle, doing things I truly enjoy make every moment that much richer…and keeps my expiry date that much farther away.

It starts here…

So this journey is mine.  

Where am I at now?

So here’s the low-down.  I am 40 (closer to 41 now), I have my own business that I hope allows me to connect with business owners and make a difference.  I am a runner – this is newly found and a new love.  I get to the gym twice a week for Group Personal Training – and I love it.  I love how I feel after a good work out or run.  I love the strength I feel in my body and the overwhelming knowledge that I can truly do anything if I set my mind to it. (just as my mom told me when I was young girl).

I am also dealing with a prolapsed bladder and stress incontinence.  (Oh the joys of being a girl and having children,said sarcastically.)  This issue is a nuisance, is embarrassing and not something I will let take away my runner’s high or the strength I feel.  Last year I had a hysterectomy and thankfully healed with no complications.  I am almost 12 months post op and I feel amazing.  My body feels strong, I feel lean and like I am make good decisions about where I am heading with regards to my healthy lifestyle.  

So – what are the fixes for a prolapsed bladder and stress incontinence?  

Physiotherapy (yes there are physiotherapists for the pelvic floor muscles) or surgery.  Once I wrapped my head around seeing a physiotherapist for ‘those’ muscles, I knew it was the first choice for me.  I am working on the muscles in my body when I work out – its about time to do the same for the muscles that helped me birth my two kids.  Away I went…and continue to go once a week.  I have homework, working on focusing and visualizing as I contract muscles, lift and contracting to help strengthen and tone muscles that will combat my issues.  I have had 3 appointments so far and some progress has been made according to my therapist.  At the next appointment we assess how much progress has been made and if other types of therapy might be of more assistance.  The option spoken of most is using electrical currents to help the muscles get to work.  You see, I struggle to get the ‘right’ muscles to do the job they are required to do.  I visualize, I breath, I contract and lift without squeezing my thighs and abs…but its not always effective.  My understanding is that using electrical currents will help muscles that I need to get moving, move…and also make me aware of them, therefore giving me the awareness of where they are and what they should be doing.

Seriously – its not a fun 30 minutes.  It was uncomfortable at first, but after giving birth to two kids, having doctors and nurses between my legs and assessing how far dilated I was – I was able to get past the discomfort.  After having a hysterectomy last year, doctors and nurses checking on my incision, making sure I was able to go to the bathroom, again – this is minor and has a good chance of being the solution to my problem.  I am taking control of my body, doing the ‘exercises’ I need to do to take care of ALL parts of me so I am not kept at home due to my discomfort or loss of control. 

Taking care of me means I am better able to live my life to its fullest.  That’s life…that’s my life…its about living it to the fullest and I am committed to making the most of it.

 

40 and loving life

My name is Samantha, Sam once you get to know  me.  I am 40 years old. I am a business owner, a mom, a girlfriend, a best friend, a volunteer and supporter of the Canadian Cancer Society, local food bank and women’s shelter.  I am a grandma.  I am a busy woman striving to find my way now that my life doesn’t revolve around getting my kids to school, appointments and sporting events.  Life changes as we grow and I am finding new things that make me smile and challenging my own ideas of who I am and what I am going to do.

My kids are in their late teens to early 20’s.  They are independent and working on their future.  I offer my encouragement  support and honest truth as they travel their path.  I am in a relationship with a wonderful man.  We have both experienced losing a spouse and found each other using online dating.  It worked for us and we have never been happier.  We both strive to be honest with each other and make our relationship a priority.  Between us we have 4 kids and we are so grateful they get along.  We each have one child at home (my oldest and his youngest) – although they are both working towards their post-secondary education.

It’s a learning process for us – all of this.  Our ‘kids’ are young adults.  Our time is now filled with what we want to do and who we want to spend our time with.  The kids are struggling to find their path as it separates from us, deciding on future careers, supporting a child (my son, 19 has a gorgeous daughter who is 2 and a half) and starting relationships.  Life is always changing and growing.  And so are we…

This blog is my changing path at finding what I want to do.  I have taken on the joy of running.  I will share this journey and many other things as life happens.  Being 40 isn’t a bad thing, its a different state for women as their kids grow and move on.  We can focus on our relationships and ourselves…and this is where I start blogging this journey.

 

Take care, and be you…its the only way to live.

Samantha