Chemistry

I am a very lucky woman – my husband and I have chemistry.  Oh the sparks fly between us.  We had chemistry when we met, but it was pretty basic elementary school kind of science chemistry.  As we have gotten to know one another, that chemistry has grown.  I am pretty sure we are reaching Nobel prize type chemistry now!

So here’s the deal.  We communicate.  We talk about sex, a lot.  We text about sex, a lot.  We have sex when the opportunity arises. (We share our home with my daughter, so now we aren’t running around the house naked – well, not all the time!)  Sex isn’t all we talk about but when we talk about sex, we are flirting.  We are teasing and enticing each other.  It’s an important part of our relationship.  It keeps us connected.  We act like teenagers at times, barely getting enough of each other.

And then I start to over think things.  Why question a good thing?  We have been together for 5  years now.  Married for almost a year.  We have been living together for over 3 years – so yes we have experienced life, stress, kids, jobs etc.  Our schedules don’t always match up and we barely see each other some days.  Yet, our chemistry is solid.  Back to me over thinking…I did that.  I thought about it too much, questioned how we seem to be focused on sex a lot.  I shared that with my husband and he was surprised at my comment.  As a result, he is pulled back the sexual content of our relationship.  We have gone from a X rated, to completely G rated – ALL THE TIME.

So again I am thinking, likely over thinking, and here’s what I have come up with.  Sex is part of relationships.  No its NOT the most important thing but its a big deal.  What I love about our conversations, flirting, teasing is how I feel.  I am alive.  I feel sexy.  I am wanted and desired.  I can’t wait to have sex with my husband.  It’s hot.  It’s consuming and the best sex of my life.  My relationship experience has taught me that when we disconnect – things go wrong.  When a couple isn’t interested in one another, they drift.  Love is emotional and physical.  Humans need touch.  From innocent hugs to full body skin-on-skin contact.  We NEED that.  I love that look on his face when I have shocked him, teased him and turned the heat up.  I love that he can’t get enough of me, like I can’t get enough of him.

Every relationship is different.  We have both been married.  We have both been widowed.  We have both experienced relationships that didn’t work.  Disconnection, separate lives, sex was a task on the to do list because it was expected.  We both know that is not where we want to go again.  Fortunately we have not experienced that in our relationship.  Denying our chemistry is not helping our relationship.  It’s natural.  It’s welcoming.  Chemistry is part of nature – why deny what feels so good.

 

Play time!!

Remember when we had fun by playing, and that playing was actually exercise!?

I was reminded of that last night.  I am trying out for a local women’s volleyball league.  It’s like a house league.  The group puts together teams (4-6 teams based on numbers) and they play against each other once a week from September to April.  The goal is to have similar abilities, to get a good rally with 3 hits.  Their hope is to keep the calibre of play even – so its about controlling the ball.

So I went – with about 2 dozen other women.  The age restrictions is 18+.  I meet that requirement quite easily.  We had to fill out some paperwork, standard stuff with emergency contact info etc. then add when the last time we played volleyball.  I haven’t played since I was in highschool – and that is at least 23 years ago.  23 years ago!!  Yes I have been involved in volleyball for at different points, especially when my daughter played rep volleyball starting at the age of 13.  I even coached volleyball.  I enjoyed that, watching my daughter, working with girls to improve their skills.  It was very fulfilling.  But I haven’t ‘played’ since highschool.

When we started the drills, just to see if we can control the ball, I felt the love of this sport return to me.  The love of PLAYING this sport.  When we were divided into teams and I was able to get on the court and play – I was in heaven.  It all felt good.  I was impressed with myself that I can still play – this 42 year old body remembers the motions of setting, hitting, serving and passing.  This body didn’t suck doing any of it.

I was sweaty, red faced and smiling.  I was having fun.  AND I was exercising!  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my work outs at the gym.  I leave each work out smiling, feeling strong and like I have taken the time to take of myself.  Last night I left the gym smiling, joyous, incredibly HAPPY and feeling strong.  There is a joy in playing volleyball for me and I have missed it.  I won’t have to force myself to go, talk myself into it…I can’t wait for the next try out and hopefully I make a team.

I want more play time!!

 

“It is a happy talent to know how to play.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Your brain on drugs (food is a drug!)

Last night I spent some reading “It Starts with Food” as I dig into the thought process behind Whole30.

Here’s what jumped out at me last night – Chapter 4, Your Brain on Food.

Our brains are wired to tell us when to eat, what to eat and how much to eat.  Nature has taught us that sweet food is full of energy, fatty food offers a a dense source of calories and salty food give us a way to conserve fluid.  It’s pretty awesome what our bodies can do – all on their own.  Problem here is that now we are eating food that has been processed by people who know exactly what our bodies are doing.  And with that – they work it against us.

That working against us means our body keeps telling us to eat because the food we eat from a box or wrapper doesn’t have the nutritional components we need.  Sure its tastes great and we love how that feels – but we aren’t getting what we need to fuel our body.  We end up eating far more calories and not nearly enough of those calories are giving us the nutrition we need.

Then there is the pleasure of food.  Eating as a habit.  My understanding, or what I am taking from this chapter, is that the manufactured, processed and chemical induced food alters how our brain works with food.  Our habits come from what we eat.  When we continually eat food that has been engineered to make us want more because it doesn’t have the nutrition we deserve, we remember the taste, the texture and just how good it felt to take that first bite.  This memory and the emotions we associate with it will turn into a habit and the craving.  The craving outweighs if we are hungry or not and we eat…not because we are hungry but because we crave the food.

Bottom line – giving up the processed food won’t be easy.  I like to think that I don’t eat alot of food that has been processed but I know its there.  It won’t be easy.  I am worried about my cravings, my habits to eat at night and eat when I am bored.  I know my body needs some time to reset…I just hope I up for the challenge.

Food for thought…

So my preliminary research on Whole 30 has me nervous but I have come across some good points.

What has stuck with me so far is eating food is part of living.  Actually eating food, at the table, seeing what is on your plate and consuming what is there.  Chewing it, tasting it – there are benefits to that.  It’s psychological to go through those motions in nourishing our bodies.  Eating is also a social thing.  We SHOULD be sitting down to meals with our family and friends.  We should be savouring not only the food but the time we have.  Seems to me that rushing through our meals we miss the signals that our body sends us when we are full.

I bought the book ‘It Starts With Food’ and now I need to take the time to read it.  Reading blogs, checking out Facebook pages and articles have been helpful.  I am trying to get a sense of how people are tackling changing their diet so drastically.  I keep thinking to myself ‘is this realistic?’ I wonder how realistic it is for me to want to be healthy, live a healthy lifestyle but only if its easy and convenient.  Easy and convenient is important but how much do I want to be healthier?  How important is it to me to live a long and healthy life as opposed to a long-ish life battling aches, pains, blood pressure issues, cancer worries etc.?

Reading, research and finding foods that are healthy and whole are my priorities.  My husband is the one who suggested that maybe we need to make some big changes, try it, see where it takes us and then apply what we have learned.  Onward…more research…more food for thought.

September routines, old and new

And so the summer let’s go – reluctantly – and we all find our way back to routine.

In all honesty – I like routine.  I am one of those people who plans my meals for the week before doing groceries.  I buy what is needed to make the planned meals for dinner so I know there is nothing missing.  This works for me.  It helps to keep grocery bills reasonable and in most cases, keeps my family eating a relatively healthy meal.  With so much going on in our family (both sides) with health scares – living a healthy lifestyle is even more important.

My role as ‘head cook’ and ‘menu planner’ is being revamped.  We are renovating our kitchen so it makes it very difficult to plan our meals for the week.  I don’t know when I will no longer have a stove or sink and for how long those items will be gone.  I try to plan crock pot meals.  Options to make sure I am eating healthy.  Sean works two weeks on afternoons and I do my very best to plan meals that he can eat before going to work and have leftovers to take with him in his lunch.  And my planning stops there.  MY meals are less important (to me only as he is continually asking me what I am eating).  This needs to be changed.  Going to the drive thru to grab a quick and not so healthy fast food meal does not support this priority of living a healthy lifestyle.

Off to do some research, find some exciting recipes to experiment with in my new kitchen and some staples to get us through while the kitchen is under construction.  Current focus is on getting 3-4 servings of fruit and vegetables a day.  I know this is less than the recommended amount – but small changes to build on will get long-term success.

 

“Always focus on the front windshield and not the review mirror.”
― Colin Powell

Full circle summer

When this summer stretched out before my husband and I, we were nervous and downright ready to throw in the towel on summer.  We got news that cancer had struck our family, not once but twice – in the same house!  Sean’s parents were each diagnosed with cancer.  Different types, different locations but still cancer.  Henry and Deanna are wonderful old-fashioned, live-off-the-land people who have been married for over 50 years.  Henry lives in the home that he helped his mother build – he has lived on this land, in this town, all his life.  Their focus is on their family and each other.  They are giving, social, caring, talented and easy to get along with.  I am fortunate to have married into this family for they made me feel welcome from the beginning.

But cancer.  Seriously – not one, but both.  We hoped for the best but prepared ourselves for the worst case scenario.  With Sheila’s help, Sean’s sister, we knew we would all manage this summer but it wouldn’t be the summer that any of us had in mind.  And then, Deanna had surgery.  And she came through with flying colours!!  The doctor was happy with how things went and her recovery has been incredible.  Surgery to remove part of her bowel was Monday and she was released on Thursday.  Sean and Sheila rallied around their parents to help out where they could, be there and just learn first hand how strong their parents are.

As kids we often take for granted that our parents will always be there.  We grow up thinking mom and dad can fix anything.  Each parent handles things differently, is part of our lives in a different way and we turn to them when we need to share ideas, good and bad news and just feel the support of someone who loves us and knows us.  Our parents are the rock that we learn from, they teach us how to handle good and bad times, they set they example for the attitude we face the world with and they help us establish our priorities.

And as we grow up, so do they.  We get older, so do they.  And then we realize that they we have to slow our steps down.  We need to be gentle when we hug them.  The roles begin to reverse and we are shaken.  It’s scary but its life.  It’s full circle.  Our parents have taken care of us all of our lives in some way.  From the beginning to today – in some way they still take care of us.  They support us with their honesty and offer their help in whatever way they can. They drop what they are doing when we are faced with a tragedy and fill in when we need the help with our own kids.  They feed us with our favourite foods and remind us how far we have come.  They never stop that no matter how old any of us are.  And then the roles reverse.  We start giving them rides to appointments, attending doctors appointments with them, sitting in waiting rooms and offering positive encouragement when we see they are nervous.  We are their safe place.  We become their rock.  We work hard to get things accomplished so they won’t have to worry about it.  We are good kids because we have great parents.

The summer started out scary, but while we realize our parents are getting older and we fear losing them – we are reminded just how strong they are.  Our image of them when we were younger fades and we worry about them.  And then they remind us just how strong they are, how capable and how very much they love us.  It’s been a good summer, full of love and reminders of what is important.

“Parents aren’t the people you come from. They’re the people you want to be, when you grow up.”
― Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care

Saying ‘no’ is hard to do!

I am a multi-tasker extraordinaire.  It used to be something I was proud of – but now its something that is causing me stress.  I have been involved with many organizations, volunteered my time, my skills and my heart for worthy causes that have deep roots in my community.  I have spread myself thin between working my business, managing a household, spending time with friends and family and fitting some time for myself in.

And I am overwhelmed.

I am now reluctant to give up my evenings and weekends.

And so this new-to-me notion started.  It’s time say ‘no’.  As much as I love the organizations that I volunteer with, I need to step back.

“The law of centrifugal force seems to be as true for the human condition as it is for the Newtonian mechanics. The faster our lives spin, the more things tend to fly apart.”
― Richard Paul Evans, Lost December

This was how I saw my life – spin faster and faster with things flying apart and away.  I do my best to manage my time but at one point I realized that I need to take the time to live MY life well without always keeping my eyes on the clock.  When I do a job – I want to know I am giving it 100% – not just what I can in the moment as my brain writes up the list of tasks that I need to get done, want to get done and the tasks that I am sacrificing to do everything else.

For me its coming to this, I need balance.  I need time with my friends and family.  I need time to commit to my business.  I need time to make sure I am healthy.  Does that mean volunteering is out?  No, it’s not out.  It means that volunteering will be done on a more casual basis.  I am saying not right now to positions that have similarity to my job.  I am saying not right now to limiting what I am able to do for myself.  I am saying YES to the possibility of a book club, organized sport and scheduled date night.  I am saying YES to supporting my friends and family as they have supported me.  I am saying YES to me.

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

Perspective

And so my first step was made this morning (again!).

Back to the gym.  And yes, I love it (when I am there). I love the sheen of sweat, my heart working furiously and trying to catch my breath.   I missed the burn in my muscles, the challenge to keep going and the support of the people I work out with.  James, my super awesome trainer, is knowledgeable, caring and encouraging.  The work out is intense, corrective and builds my muscles, core and cardio.  For me – its perfect.

And I ask myself – AGAIN – why I stopped?

And here’s my frustration with myself.  I know the benefits of working out.  I know that part of the reason I am not sleeping well is because I haven’t worked out.  I know the reason I have been dwelling in the world of ‘poor me’ and ‘I can’t’ and ‘I am so overwhelmed’ is because my body has gotten lazy.  Lazy is so easy.  Incredibly easy to do nothing and just DWELL THERE.  A body in motion, stays in motion.  A body camping out behind a computer, in front of a tv or curled up with a book is not going to jump up and start doing squats!! (at least not THIS body!!)

So here’s my challenge – change my focus on what I was doing (NOTHING) to what I am NOW doing.  It’s perspective.  Focus on today.  Enough of letting my frustration bring me down.  Today it’s about my first step, regardless of how many times I do it, I am not stopping.  Challenge accepted.

Work out done today.  Muscles are likely going to remind of this awesome work out tonight and tomorrow.  But, I feel great.  I feel strong, capable and POSITIVE.  I missed this me…this woman.  THIS is me.  Yes, it is a good day!

 

“You can’t make yourself feel positive, but you can choose how to act, and if you choose right, it builds your confidence.”
― Julien Smith, The Flinch

Change

“We change our behaviour when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”
― Henry Cloud

 

This is where I sit, contemplating change, acknowledging that until I am in more ‘pain’ remaining the same versus making changes nothing will be different.

I have knowledge and what I don’t know I can find online.  There are so many blogs of people who have the desire to change who have accomplished it – and their answer to those struggling to change is wanting it bad enough.  Being tired of how you feel right now, tired of complaining, tired of disappointment, disgust, depression…the list goes on.  TIRED of the negative that its time to change.

And still I do nothing?  The desire to change is there, but in all honesty the fight and fire hasn’t overwhelmed me yet.  I do want to be healthier, more fit and stronger.  I do want to have a successful business, have a presence.  And then the thoughts roll around – how can I accomplish both.  I use my business as an excuse that I can’t make it to the gym because of the time it takes.  I am at my desk working before 6am because I work best in the morning.  I also work out best in the morning – working up a sweat in the morning wakes me up, I feel alive…but I struggle to do both.

BALANCE. There is my current struggle – how do I find the balance to work my business and my body and feel like I have made a difference for both?

Change also needs balance.

“The ingredients of both darkness and light are equally present in all of us,…The madness of this planet is largely a result of the human being’s difficulty in coming to viruous balance with himself. ”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

And again…..

There are times in life that you need to evaluate where you are, really look at what you are doing and get honest.

That’s where I am – right now.

It’s worthwhile to spend some time on yourself.  Figure out what makes me happy, what doesn’t, what’s in my control and what isn’t.

Here’s what I can control:

• my words and actions
• the organization of my office (which I am not happy about right now)
• my fitness level (not happy about this either)
• my ability to be present and in the moment

Yes this list is short (no need to overwhelm myself) and it’s where I will start.

Re-focus, re-group, re-evaluate…and be prepared to do it again and again.  Life isn’t a straight line destination from point A to point B. The hills, detours, curves and traffic along the way can be overwhelming and its reality – so stopping to check the map of where I am to where I want to be is what it’s about.  This stop has me looking at the journey so I can enjoy it along the way.